tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32500306188856040522011-11-25T19:58:29.410ZIt's anal, it's a log - of course it's shit!Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.comBlogger211100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-55260405967287111762011-11-25T13:50:00.002Z2011-11-25T14:57:07.528Z

The Analogue Snitch is now able to reveal some of the early opportunities that have come the way of this year's Big Brother housemates.Being a vintage year as it was, offers have been pouring in thick and fast, with Aden Theobald the first to receive an offer as visiting lecturer at Harvard University's prestigious School of Bovine Excreta. "My truly exceptional intellect needs constant

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-62402830860565254902010-07-25T03:21:00.004+01:002010-07-25T04:13:16.267+01:00

Hertfordshire scientists today unveiled a lengthy report highlighting the full extent of ecological damage in the local area, as oxygen levels plummeted to something close to zero.This near-anaerobic microcosm, situated at a television studio facility in Borehamwood, shows massive destruction. The cause was revealed as a near human species based within the compound in an environment labelled as

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-63111113161268837612009-05-12T17:12:00.003+01:002009-05-12T17:33:37.854+01:00

Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp hit the club's players with a massive bombshell today, announcing that from next season everybody will observe a ban on alcohol."These overpaid fuckers will 'ave to learn their lesson" states the former Portsmouth and Southampton boss. He went on to say that "When we were playing, we were in bed by 8pm the night before a game. The rest of the week during

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-48206866632297605062009-05-08T20:39:00.002+01:002009-05-08T20:55:03.765+01:00

The BBC came in for fresh controversy today, after announcing that the jobs of 90 workers at BBC News would go next year.The corporation however came out fighting last night, looking to justify this economy drive. "We have to stem this corporate wastefulness at what is a very difficult time economically. Tough decisions need to be made. We look around us, seeking to establish which positions

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-71699485027266599102009-05-07T15:10:00.006+01:002009-05-07T15:41:08.441+01:00

In a shocking new development, we can reveal that Sir Alan Sugar has already decided upon the business project to which this year's winner of The Apprentice will be assigned.Analogue Snitch can exclusively show the new business and its premises, a whelk stall in the heart of the City of London. "Let's be frank" stated Sir Alan. "This bloody lot are only fit to run a fucking whelk stall, so

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-78842838105155775692009-05-06T13:28:00.002+01:002009-05-06T14:14:33.507+01:00

Britain's Got Talent heats up, as a new kid on the block emerged last night.Michael Cabbage - who prefers the stage name Savoy - stunned two passers by in Enfield High Street with a rendition of Tomorrow, from the hit musical that nobody likes, Annie.Savoy, born with spina bifida, epilepsy, Bells palsy and halitosis, was out shopping for fresh incontinence pants with support worker Terry, when by

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-70389604130128957812009-05-05T14:24:00.003+01:002009-05-05T14:50:05.282+01:00

Complaints have flooded in as viewers are poised for the most shocking soap storyline since Eastenders 'Big Mo' Slater copped off with that baldy bloke with the grandson, Jay.In what is a pre-watershed slot, viewers will see Dev Alahan (Jimmy Harkishin) displayed naked on billboards around Weatherfield, as revenge by scorned lover Tara Mandal (pictured). One viewer Mrs Dorris Morris from Cheadle

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-6736317568488646352009-05-04T18:19:00.004+01:002009-05-04T18:29:30.782+01:00

Another reality TV scandal appeared ready to erupt yesterday, as Apprentice contender Lorraine Tighe was suspected of being an imposter.Tighe (right), 32, who models for War On Want, is believed to be an alias for BBC political correspondent Nick Robinson (left).When presented with these allegations, Mr Robinson was apparently unavailable for comment and had been all week.Noorul Choudhury, last

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-18582301406088036732009-05-03T19:51:00.004+01:002009-05-03T20:36:06.891+01:00

Sources close to grieving prisoner Jack Tweed have supplied Analogue Snitch with what appears to be his prison diary. A harrowing picture emerges.April 24th: Dwayne is frisky today. I told him them steroids were bad for him. He told me to close my eyes and I'd get a big surprise. I told him if it's the same as last night after lockdown, I'm still not walking straight. He said it wasn't that,

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-30572102155606910442009-05-02T13:35:00.003+01:002009-05-02T18:19:51.276+01:00

How to deal with the threat of annihilation from viral nasties:Keep away from large congregations, such as public transport and cinemasLock yourself away and throw away the keyArrange for somebody to paint a black cross on your street doorKeep supplies of petrol at handIncinerate all deceased relativesDr Ophelia Balls, chief medical officer for the Gala Bingo, Cleethorpes has this advice:"

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-86674009879347256692009-05-01T20:25:00.001+01:002009-05-02T18:20:22.053+01:00

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-52945963597491697752009-05-01T20:13:00.007+01:002009-05-02T18:20:59.657+01:00

The first two people in Britain to be diagnosed with swine flu were reported to be ‘teetering on the brink,’ according to their publicist Max Clifford.Newlyweds Michael and Martina Mammon, from Kircaldy in Fife, returned at the Weekend from Cancun, with symptoms classified as ‘a bit of a cold.’ Having heard of reports concerning the deadly Mexican-based infection, the Mammons soon developed

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-69910921858021778302009-05-01T02:15:00.005+01:002009-05-02T18:22:04.095+01:00

The literary world was left reeling today from the shock announcement of Britain's new Poet Laureate, Carol Anne Duffy. The 53 year-old Glaswegian was believed to have fought off stiff competition from such luminaries as Richard Stilgoe and Pam Ayres for the coveted position, which carries with it a stipend of 21 groats and first pick from the annual New Forest wild boar cull.Few doubt that her

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-89221262446518744602009-04-30T14:15:00.003+01:002009-05-02T18:19:13.164+01:00

Altruist, raconteur and widower of the nation's queen of hearts Jack Tweed was reportedly terrified of bumping into Boy George while sharing the same shower room this week. Tweed (pictured on holiday in the USA last year) was heard to say: "I ain't gettin' in the shower wiv' that fucking bender!" Articulate to the end, the great man continued: "Winston (Tweed's cellmate) would go fucking mental

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-56491595746891744282009-04-29T13:54:00.003+01:002009-04-29T14:24:23.235+01:00

Tragic mum Jackiey Budden (pictured), 75, suffered a harrowing strip search today after joking of possessing a weapon at Gatwick Airport. Desperate to provide some relief from her grief at the loss of Britain's Queen of Hearts, Jade Goody, the nation's new Queen Mother jested that she was "well armed," devoid of any irony at such a statement."All I fucking said to the tart on the plane was just

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-70132798476789805642009-04-29T13:51:00.001+01:002009-04-29T13:54:04.509+01:00

HM Airport Security Officers.

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-47117216955868812702009-04-29T03:23:00.003+01:002009-04-29T03:48:59.918+01:00

Chanelle Hayes and Chantelle Houghton were embroiled in a desperate life or death drama yesterday, after going for a bacon sandwich.Sources close to the Daily Star favourites stated that with all the hubbub surrounding Mexican pig flu, there is genuine concern that they may have just days to live."Let's face it" said Sebastian Spiv, an unofficial spokesman for Britain's favourite beauties "we

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-18818909586037403652009-04-29T03:18:00.002+01:002009-04-29T03:52:17.504+01:00

How long before Chantelle and Chanelle get to sizzle again?

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-80837260897420022032009-04-28T14:24:00.004+01:002009-04-28T15:13:25.056+01:00

In an unprecedented outburst, Stephen Fry has gone on record as being 'inconsolable' at the demise of his beloved Norwich City Football Club.Recent entries on Twitter could be seen to say: "what was that cunt Doherty thinking of? Useless Mick bastard!" Another entry, focusing on the team's midfield inadequacies stated: "fucking Clingan - sounds like something from Star Trek. Plays like it too

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-58629570542567380152009-04-28T03:28:00.006+01:002009-04-28T04:13:28.634+01:00

Let our regular agony aunt Anna Fagburn pour oil on troubled waters.Dear Anna,I am a 35 year old police officer and have developed a complex about my appearance. I frequently seek to work undercover, but friends and colleagues undermine me by laughing at what they see as my conspicuousness. I even went undercover at the G20 protests, looking to gather intelligence and was convinced I had

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3250030618885604052.post-32954119178854463152009-04-27T19:57:00.004+01:002009-04-28T04:17:35.954+01:00

Welcome to the great journey that is Analogue Snitch.It is my hope that this fine organ can and will contribute to the world of media and showbiz in the way that Jack Tweed contributes to the nation's intellectual reservoir.If there is worthwhile news or comment in connection with TV, radio, music, tiddlywinks or filth-laden bestiality, this publication will be looking to bring it to you.We are

Mark Hollidayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14529600547002987021noreply@blogger.com0