The Analogue Snitch is now able to reveal some of the early opportunities that have come the way of this year's Big Brother housemates.

Being a vintage year as it was, offers have been pouring in thick and fast, with Aden Theobald the first to receive an offer as visiting lecturer at Harvard University's prestigious School of Bovine Excreta. "My truly exceptional intellect needs constant nourishing, so this will keep me suitably occupied until I receive the call to run the country innit" he commented proudly.

Alex Rose Lee, a 19 year old failed stewardess with a very low budget airline has been offered the opportunity to stand in for Kirsty Wark on BBC2's Newsnight at least one evening per week, with McDonalds keeping her old position open for her to supplement her income with additional shifts.

The biggest eye opener however, has been the number of collective offers housemates have received to revive their association in various spin-off shows. Clearly Channel 5 owner Richard Desmond must have ambitious plans for them, as a list of new shows have been unveiled, all of which are clearly intended to show these stars in a flattering light. Tastefully formulated, these shows already have working titles and a format outline, including:

• Fudge Packer - Aaron Allard-Morgan is sent to a confectionery factory to learn how to manufacture the items whilst afflicted with limp wrists. He will further learn the secret recipe for Payne's Poppets.
• Dirty Sanchez - a Christmas special is planned, in honour of Jay McKray (real name Justin Maggot) allowing him to showcase his love of unusual frozen confectionery, all of which he will allow Aaron to sample.
• In The Closet - Aaron goes to work in a Saville Row gentlemen's outfitters, tape measure in hand, learning everything he can about the nuances of an inside leg.
• Orgy And Bess - Richard Desmond's reworking of the George Gershwin opera, set in a TV studio, offering a story of a group of young people being cured of their inhibition through 24 hour nakedness. The final scene ends in tragedy, when Tom breaks a nail and commits suicide. Musically, the opera remains faithful to the original, including the song 'Summertime, and Louise is easy.'
  
• There is also to be a collaboration with former Sky Sports presenters Andy Gray and Richard Keys entitled 'Would I Smash It?' Jay, Ardon and Harry are presented with challenges, requiring them to get from the BB garden to the lounge without opening the doors. How do they negotiate the windows?
• The Gloves Are Off - Jay McKray demonstrates what can be done with a fist, once boxing gloves are removed.
• Stop Thief! - housemates show how easy it is to leave people feeling violated, in what promises to be the best crime prevention show since Crimewatch. We have been given a sneak peek of the first episode, which displays Louise, Faye and Maisy all having their back doors smashed in by Jay and Aaron, whilst Mark distracts them with scintillating wit long enough for police to apprehend them.
  
• This Ain't Oddbins! - the lads are all challenged to a hand shandy contest, with the winner earning the chance to arm wrestle Paddy Doherty. The loser pays a forfeit, spending the night with Sally Bercow in the Travelodge, cheadle Hulme.

"I think you'll all agree, this range of shows demonstrates the channel's commitment to innovative, tasteful TV. The days of tawdry sleaze and lack of substance are somewhat passée now, I would suggest" states 5's Head of Something Or Other Jeff Ford.

There is no indication yet as to whether or not DIY expert Tommy Walsh will accept the contract to present Desmond's other spin-off Let's Get Nailed, where Faye and Louise will be involved in various exploits in quiet public locations before a discreetly assembled audience. Mario Marconi and Lisa Appleton are thought to be poised to step in should Walsh decline.

Social networking sites have reacted positively to the news, with one member Gary Chopps saying: "This is indeed the finest news since VE Day in 1945. It is entirely understandable why 5 would seek to be so elitist. When one has a depth of talent such as this, one would be insane not to fully exploit it. It will be some considerable time before viewers realise that we are in the midst of a golden era in British television. I doubt that even Marco Sabba could elevate things to a more superlative level."

Health Lottery tickets are available now from all good newsagents and WH Smith.

Borehamwood sees demise of species.

Hertfordshire scientists today unveiled a lengthy report highlighting the full extent of ecological damage in the local area, as oxygen levels plummeted to something close to zero.

This near-anaerobic microcosm, situated at a television studio facility in Borehamwood, shows massive destruction. The cause was revealed as a near human species based within the compound in an environment labelled as Big Brother. The species is genetically pre-programmed to gravitate towards the compound, displaying simplistic forms of behaviour replicated by their successors in perpetuity.

"It is astonishing" says Professor Reginald Spigott, visiting professor in mercenary marketing at the John Noel University "that this unsophisticated life form can exert such a captivating effect on a vast swathe of society."

The professor goes on to add that the life form sucks the oxygen out of whatever environment it inhabits, rendering such places as no go areas.

"What we have learned about this organism" states Spigott "is that when it first inhabited the compound at the turn of the Millennium, it thrived, fed on a diet of publicity, money and kudos. Over time, the supply dwindled, rendering the surviving organisms relatively, weak, feeble and nearing extinction. The creatures have displayed scant ability to adapt to their changing environment, showing a general lack of intelligence and judgement."

One particular sub-species known as the Antipodean Deceiver (pictured right) shows itself to be worthy of study, as it travels very lengthy distances to plunder fellow organisms' reserves of sustenance, bamboozling those around it with conflicting signals. At an appropriate moment, it strikes, cannibalising its neighbours. This diminutive but selectively aggressive creature stops at nothing in its quest to monopolise all remaining oxygen.

"Sadly, this attack is ill-fated" affirms Professor Spigott. "The victorious inhabitant reigns only to discover that it has inherited an empty, vacuous shell, with no further resources with which to survive. The microcosm may resurrect itself in time, but signs aren't good."

An experimental nutrient called Dirty Desmond may be unleashed, with the intention of seeing if alternative stimulus rekindles this species.

A study group, code named Heat will oversee the experiment, reporting back its findings should developments occur.

Is this the end of the boozing culture for footballers?

Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp hit the club's players with a massive bombshell today, announcing that from next season everybody will observe a ban on alcohol.

"These overpaid fuckers will 'ave to learn their lesson" states the former Portsmouth and Southampton boss. He went on to say that "When we were playing, we were in bed by 8pm the night before a game. The rest of the week during the season, we'd drink nothing stronger than a cup of Earl Grey. A night out for us was a game of dominoes at the British Legion." Redknapp flashed an indignant look at the group of journalists sniggering ironically in the background.

"The players must face the fact that they're very well paid and have to lead by example. This will be made abundantly clear to them at the club's end-of-season bash at the Dorchester tonight" which is said to be a £1,000 a head celebration of retaining their Premier League status. The champagne was being delivered by Eddie Stobart as this goes to press.

Questioned as to whether or not the club would be imposing a ban on brown envelopes, Redknapp refused to be drawn on the matter.

Analogue Snitch sought to guage the opinion of other coaches, wishing to see if this alcohol ban could spread. Plymouth manager Paul Sturrock was of the opinion that "it'll be the fuckin' death knell for this game ... yooor mah best pal y'ar!" He was then violently sick in a bucket.

BBC set to axe 90 news workers

The BBC came in for fresh controversy today, after announcing that the jobs of 90 workers at BBC News would go next year.

The corporation however came out fighting last night, looking to justify this economy drive. "We have to stem this corporate wastefulness at what is a very difficult time economically. Tough decisions need to be made. We look around us, seeking to establish which positions are expendable because of their inefficiency and which are just too important to let go" opined Mr Friedrich Freeloader, head of paperclips.

He went on to state that "adequate resources will be allocated to the News Channel to ensure that it continues to enjoy its reputation for high quality, impartial news coverage throughout the globe. I can categorically state that standards will never be allowed to slide."

The announcement coincides with a press release introducing the News Channel's new evening anchor, Timmy Mallett (above), who takes up his position in October.

The Apprentice - winner's project revealed!

In a shocking new development, we can reveal that Sir Alan Sugar has already decided upon the business project to which this year's winner of The Apprentice will be assigned.

Analogue Snitch can exclusively show the new business and its premises, a whelk stall in the heart of the City of London. "Let's be frank" stated Sir Alan. "This bloody lot are only fit to run a fucking whelk stall, so that's all they're gettin'. If they show any acumen, I might let the person loose with a hot dog stand in Leicester Square in a prime pitch."

Contestant Ben Clarke said of the development: "I look forward to the challenge that awaits me, after ascending to my rightful place at the top of the pile. I was offered a scholarship to Sandhurst you know!"

Fellow contestant James McQuillan's response to the latest news was: "... wot?"

Kate Walsh and Philip Taylor meanwhile are adamant that they are not staging a fake romance to secure greater media coverage. "At the end of the day" said Taylor, "any woman knows she'd be nothing without me - I'm the new Bill Gates. My time on the show was maybe a bit chequered, but off screen I'm 'Pants Man' where it counts. By the way, what's the going rate for a four-page exclusive? I can throw in some mpeg footage - know what I mean!"

BGT: new contender emerges.

Britain's Got Talent heats up, as a new kid on the block emerged last night.

Michael Cabbage - who prefers the stage name Savoy - stunned two passers by in Enfield High Street with a rendition of Tomorrow, from the hit musical that nobody likes, Annie.

Savoy, born with spina bifida, epilepsy, Bells palsy and halitosis, was out shopping for fresh incontinence pants with support worker Terry, when by an astonishing coincidence a theatrical agent, two producers, a camera operator and a sound engineer stumbled upon the teen sensation.

"He only had to dribble the first line of the Les Miserables song What Have I Done? and we knew a star was born." stated Richard Mountebank from talent agency spasmos, dorks and brats Ltd.

The dribbling sensation was emphatic in his desire not to trade on his personal tragedy, available to read in a twelve page pdf download if required. Dropped on his head at birth, he later witnessed his parents die in a stampede after divulging that they were infected with flu. Further heartache followed, as his sister (christened Red) met an unfortunate end fixing the family toaster with a butter knife.

Cole Slaw, the uncle who raised Savoy after these events offered plaudits for his courage and determination. "Lesser kids would have buckled under" he said, tears welling up. "All he wants in life is the chance to be stood on that stage, clutching a large picture of his dead family. Is it too much to ask?"

Plans are already afoot to cast Savoy in BBC soap Eastenders, playing the role of Richard Head, Heather Trott's new fiancee. "He expects it to be a challenging role" assured his uncle, "but one that he should consumately live down to."

For whom the bell end tolls ...

Complaints have flooded in as viewers are poised for the most shocking soap storyline since Eastenders 'Big Mo' Slater copped off with that baldy bloke with the grandson, Jay.

In what is a pre-watershed slot, viewers will see Dev Alahan (Jimmy Harkishin) displayed naked on billboards around Weatherfield, as revenge by scorned lover Tara Mandal (pictured). One viewer Mrs Dorris Morris from Cheadle Hulme said: "Ooh my giddy aunt! My Yorkshire Terrier will go into meltdown. And as for my pussy ..."

The scene acts as a forerunner for an upcoming storyline involving Blanch, Norris and a rechargeable massager ... or at least that's what Blanche assumes it to be.

Pressed on whether or not there was any truth in the suggestion that Betty Turpin would quit The Rovers to open an S & M dungeon next to Roy's Rolls, producers stated categorically that this was dependent on whether or not Keira Knightly could be signed-up to play the part of the whip.