The Analogue Snitch is now able to reveal some of the early opportunities that have come the way of this year's Big Brother housemates.

Being a vintage year as it was, offers have been pouring in thick and fast, with Aden Theobald the first to receive an offer as visiting lecturer at Harvard University's prestigious School of Bovine Excreta. "My truly exceptional intellect needs constant nourishing, so this will keep me suitably occupied until I receive the call to run the country innit" he commented proudly.

Alex Rose Lee, a 19 year old failed stewardess with a very low budget airline has been offered the opportunity to stand in for Kirsty Wark on BBC2's Newsnight at least one evening per week, with McDonalds keeping her old position open for her to supplement her income with additional shifts.

The biggest eye opener however, has been the number of collective offers housemates have received to revive their association in various spin-off shows. Clearly Channel 5 owner Richard Desmond must have ambitious plans for them, as a list of new shows have been unveiled, all of which are clearly intended to show these stars in a flattering light. Tastefully formulated, these shows already have working titles and a format outline, including:

• Fudge Packer - Aaron Allard-Morgan is sent to a confectionery factory to learn how to manufacture the items whilst afflicted with limp wrists. He will further learn the secret recipe for Payne's Poppets.
• Dirty Sanchez - a Christmas special is planned, in honour of Jay McKray (real name Justin Maggot) allowing him to showcase his love of unusual frozen confectionery, all of which he will allow Aaron to sample.
• In The Closet - Aaron goes to work in a Saville Row gentlemen's outfitters, tape measure in hand, learning everything he can about the nuances of an inside leg.
• Orgy And Bess - Richard Desmond's reworking of the George Gershwin opera, set in a TV studio, offering a story of a group of young people being cured of their inhibition through 24 hour nakedness. The final scene ends in tragedy, when Tom breaks a nail and commits suicide. Musically, the opera remains faithful to the original, including the song 'Summertime, and Louise is easy.'
  
• There is also to be a collaboration with former Sky Sports presenters Andy Gray and Richard Keys entitled 'Would I Smash It?' Jay, Ardon and Harry are presented with challenges, requiring them to get from the BB garden to the lounge without opening the doors. How do they negotiate the windows?
• The Gloves Are Off - Jay McKray demonstrates what can be done with a fist, once boxing gloves are removed.
• Stop Thief! - housemates show how easy it is to leave people feeling violated, in what promises to be the best crime prevention show since Crimewatch. We have been given a sneak peek of the first episode, which displays Louise, Faye and Maisy all having their back doors smashed in by Jay and Aaron, whilst Mark distracts them with scintillating wit long enough for police to apprehend them.
  
• This Ain't Oddbins! - the lads are all challenged to a hand shandy contest, with the winner earning the chance to arm wrestle Paddy Doherty. The loser pays a forfeit, spending the night with Sally Bercow in the Travelodge, cheadle Hulme.

"I think you'll all agree, this range of shows demonstrates the channel's commitment to innovative, tasteful TV. The days of tawdry sleaze and lack of substance are somewhat passée now, I would suggest" states 5's Head of Something Or Other Jeff Ford.

There is no indication yet as to whether or not DIY expert Tommy Walsh will accept the contract to present Desmond's other spin-off Let's Get Nailed, where Faye and Louise will be involved in various exploits in quiet public locations before a discreetly assembled audience. Mario Marconi and Lisa Appleton are thought to be poised to step in should Walsh decline.

Social networking sites have reacted positively to the news, with one member Gary Chopps saying: "This is indeed the finest news since VE Day in 1945. It is entirely understandable why 5 would seek to be so elitist. When one has a depth of talent such as this, one would be insane not to fully exploit it. It will be some considerable time before viewers realise that we are in the midst of a golden era in British television. I doubt that even Marco Sabba could elevate things to a more superlative level."

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