Analogue Snitch doom special!

How to deal with the threat of annihilation from viral nasties:

• Keep away from large congregations, such as public transport and cinemas
• Lock yourself away and throw away the key
• Arrange for somebody to paint a black cross on your street door
• Keep supplies of petrol at hand
• Incinerate all deceased relatives

Dr Ophelia Balls, chief medical officer for the Gala Bingo, Cleethorpes has this advice:

"Ordinarily, I would counsel against any panic, but seeing as we all have only days to live, I suggest you run like the wind ... we're all gonna die!!!"

The Health ministry, in conjunction with Domino's Pizza has initiated a food supply scheme for infected people in their death throes to reduce infection risk. "It is vital at this time that we feed patients efficiently and safely" stated Sir Julian Calendar, permanent secretary at the Department of Hysteria. Asked why they were specifically being supplied with pizzas, Sir Julian replied that "it's the only thing we can get under the fucking door."

This publication will return with updates, if we are still alive tomorrow.

Flu pandemic: will stockpiles be sufficient?

The first two people in Britain to be diagnosed with swine flu were reported to be ‘teetering on the brink,’ according to their publicist Max Clifford.

Newlyweds Michael and Martina Mammon, from Kircaldy in Fife, returned at the Weekend from Cancun, with symptoms classified as ‘a bit of a cold.’ Having heard of reports concerning the deadly Mexican-based infection, the Mammons soon developed symptoms known as Cash Fever, or Avarice Vulgaris to give it its full medical name. Soon they obtained a referral to the most eminent specialist in the land, Mr Max Clifford, famed for his ability to cure people of fiscal deficiency.
His reassuring advice was:

• Don’t take less than £20,000
• Don’t open your mouth without me there
• Er, that’s it.

Mr Clifford’s latest statement claims that the Mammons “hover this side of the gates of St. Peter by the slenderest of threads.” It gave no mention of why the couple were observed through their living room window dancing, whilst clutching champagne bottles.

Widespread panic is gathering all over the UK now, as fears grow of insufficient stockpiles of the most popular treatment for this malaise. A Government spokesman emphatically denied this, assuring the public that “every step is being taken to ensure that adequate supplies of cash are available for the treatment of those suffering from fiscal deficiency. “

Symptoms to look out for are a general emptiness, frenzied delirium and a visible loss of backbone. The absorption of moral fibre, combined with avoidance of newspapers is still the best treatment for the malaise.