Sources close to grieving prisoner Jack Tweed have supplied Analogue Snitch with what appears to be his prison diary. A harrowing picture emerges.
April 24th: Dwayne is frisky today. I told him them steroids were bad for him. He told me to close my eyes and I'd get a big surprise. I told him if it's the same as last night after lockdown, I'm still not walking straight. He said it wasn't that, so I thought I'd let him have his way. When I opened them, my Rolex was gone.
April 25th: Pervy Peter from D wing lent me his mobile. Can never concentrate when using it. It always smells funny.
April 26th: Too many of these inmates are negative. Max Clifford always taught me how you can do anything you want if you believe you can, whether it's poncing, going on the lash or beating people up. This lot are different though - no self-belief. Everywhere I go, I hear them shout: "can't can't can't ..." sounds like that anyway.
April 27th: Big Baz the wing drugs baron was on my case today in the showers. Bastard was stood there in front of me wanking away. Worst part of it was that he was using my fucking hand!
April 28th: Queer Colin was up before the Parole Board today. One of the panel asked him if he believed that he could kill a man. He said: "Ooohhh ... eventually."
April 29th: Got my Rolex back. I had to pay a high price though. Big Baz gets first pop at Jackiey when he's released. I'm not sure he realises what he's letting himself in for.
April 30th: Got myself a Cadburys Cream Egg from the shop. It all proved too much for me. I had to tell the photographers to take their pictures quickly and give me a chance to compose myself afterwards.
May 1st: Am making a gravestone in the prison workshop. Inscribed on it is the Goody family motto: you may not be able to squeeze blood out of a stone, but you can get plenty of cash out of one.
May 2nd: Max has stopped taking my calls. Seems strange really. Seeing as I was married to someone nicknamed 'The Pig,' I'd only have to complain of a sniffle and Max could get the press to put two and two together and it's more wonga for the old sky rocket.
The Howard League for Penal Reform has expressed concern at Tweed's incarceration, as few criminals appear more penal than him.
Coming this week: "Keira Knightly stole my dinner!"
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