Poetry without Motion.

The literary world was left reeling today from the shock announcement of Britain's new Poet Laureate, Carol Anne Duffy. The 53 year-old Glaswegian was believed to have fought off stiff competition from such luminaries as Richard Stilgoe and Pam Ayres for the coveted position, which carries with it a stipend of 21 groats and first pick from the annual New Forest wild boar cull.

Few doubt that her appointment will mark a strong movement away from traditional establishment figures who have filled the position. Openly lesbian and somewhat lukewarm to the idea of royalty, her poems seem at odds with her new found remit. The poem Betty and Zorba can bite my arse appears on the surface to be somewhat contemptuous of the sovereign, but supporters state this to be a misinterpretation of her works.

Critics have already sharpened their knives, not least Mr Roland Gushpisser of the Campaign for Linguistic Importance in Tertiary Education, or CLIT for short. "This is yet another nail in the coffin for traditional literary standards" insisted Mr Gushpisser. He cited her verse Into The Ether as an example of what he claims to be a "stupendously pretentious" style of writing:

Into the ether, that is where we are headed, except for the orchid in cold weather bedded, Scream child, scream! The passage is lost; the bed is sullied from God's permafrost.
"What the fuck's that all about? For crying out loud ...!"

Dame Fenella Cholmondley, chairing the panel charged with appointing a new Laureate, seemed bemused by the criticism. "Frankly my dear" she stated, in a vaguely inebriated manner "we felt very much that we needed someone with a contemporary edge, who possessed the sort of 'youth credibility' that would put poetry on the map for a whole new generation. Her singing will bring a less stuffy quality to the job. I see no reason why all poetry cannot be musical."

When it was brought to her attention that the new Poet Laureate was not known for her singing prowess, Dame fenella replied in a somewhat horrified tone: "you mean she isn't the Duffy who did the Coca Cola advert recently? Christ on a bike ..."

Duffy's latest compilation: Lesbian Love On Toilet Walls is available next Monday in a limited edition print run, both copies being personally signed.