Dear Anna ...

Let our regular agony aunt Anna Fagburn pour oil on troubled waters.

Dear Anna,

I am a 35 year old police officer and have developed a complex about my appearance. I frequently seek to work undercover, but friends and colleagues undermine me by laughing at what they see as my conspicuousness. I even went undercover at the G20 protests, looking to gather intelligence and was convinced I had blended in completely. I was nearly kicked to death.

Please tell me, where am I going wrong? Should I consider cosmetic surgery?

Anna replies:

Ordinarily I would counsel against the perils of self-mutilation, but given the circumstances, I would have to concede that on this occasion it is justified. Whilst surgeons cannot perform miracles, they can do much to soften some of your features, allowing you more of an ability to blend in. You will still be easily recognisable, but at least in a manner in keeping with your position. Would you see yourself as a failure if abandoning undercover work? I hope not. You are the officer your community has been waiting for. Have you considered a career in wheel clamping? It would be a great opportunity to work in an environment where you would gain an instant sense of belonging.

Dear Anna,

Recently I have had the most terrible nightmares. After taking to my bed, I am waking up in a cold sweat, after dreaming that I have a Boyle on my cock. I am at my wits end.

Anna replies:

I have read many reports of what seems to be a very recent phenomenon. The remedy - whilst drastic - has a high success rate. It is recommended that you desist from using You Tube for several weeks, as well as ITV1 on Saturday Nights until Britain's Got Talent comes to its conclusion. This Boyle, though harmless, instils considerable fear upon exposure. Contagion levels however are very high, with a pandemic seemingly imminent, so one cannot over emphasize the need for caution. Practitioners in the field suggest that focusing on something less traumatic, such as wars or natural disasters will successfully banish the symptoms. In any event it will disappear quickly in a few weeks.