Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp hit the club's players with a massive bombshell today, announcing that from next season everybody will observe a ban on alcohol.
"These overpaid fuckers will 'ave to learn their lesson" states the former Portsmouth and Southampton boss. He went on to say that "When we were playing, we were in bed by 8pm the night before a game. The rest of the week during the season, we'd drink nothing stronger than a cup of Earl Grey. A night out for us was a game of dominoes at the British Legion." Redknapp flashed an indignant look at the group of journalists sniggering ironically in the background.
"The players must face the fact that they're very well paid and have to lead by example. This will be made abundantly clear to them at the club's end-of-season bash at the Dorchester tonight" which is said to be a £1,000 a head celebration of retaining their Premier League status. The champagne was being delivered by Eddie Stobart as this goes to press.
Questioned as to whether or not the club would be imposing a ban on brown envelopes, Redknapp refused to be drawn on the matter.
Analogue Snitch sought to guage the opinion of other coaches, wishing to see if this alcohol ban could spread. Plymouth manager Paul Sturrock was of the opinion that "it'll be the fuckin' death knell for this game ... yooor mah best pal y'ar!" He was then violently sick in a bucket.
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